Author: Emjay's Musings

Keeping calm amidst the ups and downs of every day life! Learning that we are all perfectly imperfect. A professional introvert, trying to find my own unique space in the world.
Musings

My favourite things

Emjay's Musings

What does it mean to be a kid at heart?

It’s day 1 of my new writing habit, where I choose a prompt and then write about it. This morning’s one “my favourite things” and already my brain went – oh no, I wish it was a different prompt.

Yesterday I updated my WordPress app and one new thing I’ve noticed is a daily prompt feature – today’s one being “what does it mean to be a kid at heart?”

Which feels better to write about then the actual prompt I have to.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve been awake for more than an hour and it’s not even 5:30am yet. During this time I finished a short story I started reading last night. Finished today’s devotional for my current reading plan on the Bible App – Anxiety at work. Scrolled social media. Wrote down my verse for the day. Made payments on my banking app. And made some coffee.

No wonder I’m exhausted.

And uninspired.

I spend my days adulting when all I’m yearning for is to create something. Finish a puzzle I started months ago. Build the final two furniture pieces from miniature study (birthday gift I received in August).

But alas, I have bills to pay and adulting things to do. Deadlines to achieve. Meetings to attend. And emails to send. So many emails to send.

I guess my favourite things are overthinking and worrying about things, rather than taking action. Still getting it all done but experiencing a lot of anxiety and fear along the way.

And being a kid at heart means doing things that bring me joy. Which there are many moments of in my life. Sometimes I get caught up in the shoulds. All the things I believe are essential and forget to savour the moments that are also important.

Listening to music with my kids. Dancing around the living room. Having dessert first. Taking a break and resting.

One of my favourite things is music.

Listening to old familiars and discovering new artists or versions of songs.

So for today I’ll also add a link to a song that played yesterday and I wanted to listen to this morning.

Today is new day. May we remember that all these ordinary days and moments add up to an extraordinary life.

Musings

Writing Habits

Emjay's Musings

Tomorrow is 1 November.

The start of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). An annual writing challenge, inviting writers to commit to writing a 50,000 word novel.

I’ve participated before and am planning to do it again this year.

And yet, the little voice inside is already reminding me of all the challenges I’ve started and not finished. All the other important things on my to-do list. Urging me to quit while I’m ahead.

I get that it’s a form of self-protection but I’m ready to move forward. To take intentional steps in the direction of my dreams. To declare boldly, I’m a writer.

This afternoon I had a catch up with one of my writing buddies. I’d upfronted this morning that my brain was filled with worry and stress about work. And rather than cancel (which would have been my knee jerk response), we actually ended up connecting earlier than scheduled.

We’d planned to have this chat at the end of October and agree our approach for November. I really needed the safe space to process and talk through things. To speak to someone who can be a sounding board when my inner committee is loud and drowning out my hype squad.

A few days ago I started reading a new novel and the main character is an author. My brain started thinking maybe I could use the one technique she used to write a story. And I started thinking that maybe I should commit to the 50,000 word goal. When I’ve barely written anything this entire year.

During the chat this afternoon my friend reminded me that I was going to use November to get more consistent with my writing habit for my blog. I’d completely forgot that this was my initial plan.

She suggested that I create a calender with a different prompt for each day, and knowing that I’m an overthinker. She also suggested I set a timer for 20 minutes to complete the activity. I’d then free write whatever comes to mind for that specific day/prompt during the next 30 days. This idea sounded so good and I immediately felt like it could work for me.

I’d logged off for the work day already and commented that it might be best if I write it down in a notebook. Rather than get distracted by any notifications on my laptop.

After our call I write down numbers 1-30 and it was much more difficult than I thought it would be. By number 16 I was ready to stop, but eventually got all of them done. And then I reflected on how writing/drawing challenges with prompts usually start out well. But there’s always one that I overthink or worry about – inevitably procrastinating which then leads to skipped days and a rush at the end to catch up.

So I tweaked it slightly, writing all the prompts down on pieces of paper. Throwing them into an empty jar. The revised idea being that I’ll pick a slip of paper each day and write about whatever is on the prompt. Right now I don’t know if I’ll post every day. Let’s see how it goes.

Here’s to a new month and creating new writing habits.

Uncategorized

(W)rite every day

Emjay's Musings

Created 1 April 2023, found in my notes app today and posted unedited.

I am a writer.
I have a blog.
Saying these words always makes me feel like a fraud.
Since inevitably, it’s been months since I’ve written, at least in my own opinion, anything of worth.
Almost always, at least 6-9 months since I’ve published a blog post.
And yet, uttering those words, reclaiming it as part of my identity opens up creativity.
Sometimes a floodgate.
Other times a trickle.
And then I commit to a goal.
Start a new challenge.
Invigorated to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.
Today, I signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo.
Tomorrow I might not write a single word.
I’ve called the project (W)rite every day.
A word count goal of 10,000.
The intent to show up and write every day.
Morning pages so to speak.
A few words jotted down on my mobile document app.
In the fervent hope that something amazing will birth itself from this process.
That the many ideas swirling in my head will make its way into the light of day.
Dragging me out of this darkness that’s enveloped me recently.
Gently guide me out of the grief maze I stumbled into earlier this week.
Or was I in it all along and only became aware of the numbness when I could feel the return of emotion.
Breathing deeply.
Trying to stay grounded.
Scared this is but a temporary reprieve.
Rather than a permanent refuge.
That I will always be adrift in a tumultuous ocean.
At the whim and mercy of my emotions.
Unable to stay anchored in truth and grace.

Rest

Rest.

Emjay's Musings

During the last few months of 2021 it felt like I was saying or hearing “I’m tired” on repeat!

There was this sense of urgency to wrap up everything before people went on leave over the festive season, while knowing people were most likely only returning to work from mid-January.  In essence we were trying to cram 3 months into the six weeks from 1 November to mid-December.

It was exhausting!

And the 4 annual leave days between Christmas and New Year’s – was in no way enough time to recharge my energy levels.

I was finding that even though I slept between 6-8 hours, most days my energy levels were still severely depleted.

In January I shared a post which references Dr Saundra Dalton-Smith’s book Sacred Rest. In the book, she mentions that we might think that getting more sleep will solve our lack of energy. But we actually need to access 7 different types of rest in order to recharge ourselves. These are – physical, emotional, mental, social, creative, spiritual and sensory rest.

Work FROM your rest, not FOR your rest.

Dr Saundra Dalton-Smith, Sacred Rest

A friend also encouraged me to listen Gretchen Rubin’s podcast episode on #Rest22in22. Gretchen issues a yearly habit challenge to herself and listeners. Her challenge for this year is…REST for 22 minutes a day in 2022. I decided to commit to this challenge myself.

Here are a few tips on how to be intentional about your rest.

As we wrapped up June (end of the financial year) things were very busy. My energy levels were low, so I made an appointment to see my GP for a check up. All the preventative screening seems fine, but I’ve started taking a multivitamin and do need to make some lifestyle changes.

I’d already planned annual leave for my birthday (mid-August), but during this time decided to recommit to #Rest22in22.

I didn’t access work emails and tried to spend limited time on social media, which covered my sensory rest. I’ll admit the first few days were tough, since I felt like I was missing out on important things. So it really helped that I had deleted my email account from my phone.

With activities planned for my actual birthday (Monday) and a wedding (Saturday) – I balanced my social rest (time with other vs time alone).

My days were filled with reading and watching series/movies. Part of me felt like I “should have been” doing more/different things. But ultimately it was about doing the things that were meaningful for me and added joy to my life.

The biggest thing was taking a proper break from work and getting mental rest. As well as creative rest, since I worked on content for my Instagram page and even published a blog post.

I already have a morning routine, which covers my spiritual rest. With my physical rest, I’ve been tracking my sleep and daily steps for the last few years. My support system is amazing, so I’m filling up with emotional rest regularly.

Some days are definitely easier than others. And I’ve learnt to treat myself with kindness. Giving myself grace when I stumble.

Take some time today and be intentional about your rest.

Musings

Moments of Impact

Emjay's Musings

After watching The Vow – probably a year or two after it was released – I spoke to my cousin about moments of impact, something one of the main characters mentions in the movie.

I told her that although I agreed with the idea – that there are conversations and events in our lives that completely transform us. Moments that change the trajectory of our journeys. What fascinated me more was how someone could experience that same conversation or event completely different from the next person. Or how I could replay those same moments and build a narrative around it. And yet the other person doesn’t recall a second of that interaction.

My theory is that, these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end up defining who we are. The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experienced, with all the people we’ve ever known. It is these moments that become our history, like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our mind, over and over again.

The Vow (2012 movie)

During a conversation recently, I experienced some heated emotions. My mood was low and I was definitely not the best version of myself. To be honest, I was feeling very sorry for myself. And after a day or two, actually realized that I’d wanted validation and a solution. What I ended up getting was a mirror reflecting a previous moment of impact. Although there is a 10 year difference between the two conversations. Although the people involved and context changed, my internal dialogue was very similar. I could look back further in my history and recall moments from my childhood and teens with similar dynamics. Because in all these instances, I was reacting from a place of scarcity and fear. During the conversations in my 20’s and 30’s, the intensity of my emotion seemed out of place and both individuals invalidated my feelings. I heard statements like “the world doesn’t revolve around you” and “you like to wallow in negative feelings”.

Well, actually I did feel like the world revolved around my 7 year old self and I didn’t have the tools to deal with those big feelings.

What seemed like an overreaction to them was a delayed reaction. Finally being able to voice that my needs weren’t being met. And that I was afraid of the unknown. But struggling to articulate myself. Because I’m still recovering from the moments of impact. Trying to navigate through the emotional and mental maze of my healing journey.

I’m proud of myself for my growth. That I can now recognize that the response from the individuals were based on their experiences and perspectives. That I don’t have to internalise everything they say, adding it to the negative committee in my head. Playing it on repeat. Seeing it as further evidence that I’ll never be good enough.

So here’s what I’ve learnt and would like to add to the theory…

 So that is my theory, that these moments of impact define who we are. A moment of impact has potential for change, has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together making them closer than before, while sending others off into great ventures, ending where you never thought you’d find them. You see that’s the best thing of moments like these, you can’t, no matter how hard you try, control how they are going to effect you. You just got to let these colliding particles land where they may and wait until the next collision.”

The vow (2012 movie)

…We might not control the moments of impact, but we do have control over how we respond to those moments.

This lesson did not happen quickly and its something I relearn over and over again. Meeting myself with grace in those times when I react rather than respond. Reminding myself that I need to build this skill like any habit or muscle. Day by day. Moment by moment.

To create a pause between the event and my response, I need to increase my self-awareness and ensure I show up as the best version of myself.

Here are a few of the activities that help me do this:

  • Create a consistent morning routine. I enjoy Kat Lee’s 3-minute morning, it helps me to build habits focused on God, Plan and Move time.
  • Journal. One of my favourite journalling methods is Julia Cameron’s morning pages. Essentially writing 3 pages every morning as a practice for recovering your creativity.
  • Gratitude. I’ve got a page in my bullet journal where I can write one thing I’m grateful for each day. And also created a gratitude jar for myself a few years ago.
  • Do something you love. For me this is reading. Last year I set a goal to read more non-fiction books and started tracking my books. Ended up reading more than 100 books (incl more than 20 non-fiction).

Whatever moments you experience today. Remember…you have the ability to choose how you respond.

Counselling, Identity, Uncategorized

An apple tree will never make oranges

Emjay's Musings

I used to think that growth is linear…you learn the lesson and go straight to the finish line. The End.

During 2019 while attending a counselling session, I had what felt like a breakthrough. A straight line to the successful conclusion of my healing journey.

In that moment I felt like I was about to claim the ultimate prize.

Ticked off the last item on a checklist.

Able to file it under “The End”.

Final scene of the movie.

Credits rolling.

And yet, I’m only able to write this in hindsight. Because in that moment and even the ones following, I don’t think I realized I was thinking about the process like that.

During this particular session we were talking about my identity.

The way I see myself.

My counsellor set up an activity where I had to draw something that describes me and explain the reasons for choosing that specific image.

I was so creatively blocked. At first I couldn’t draw anything and then my inner critic was telling me how terrible these drawings looked. I drew a tree and a book.

She asked me to only pick one image, so I chose the tree. But I also needed to explain what type of tree it was. And for me it looked like an apple tree.

We unpacked the reasons I specifically chose an apple tree. To me it’s a symbol of hope and provides shelter and fruit to those around it. I believe my purpose is to share my story with people (which I compared to the fruit) and offer them a safe space to share their own stories (which I compared with the shelter).

She then asked me this question….
“Can an apple tree make orange juice?”

It was like a light bulb went on for me when I answered, “No, it can’t”.

For so long, I’d been comparing myself to the rest of the world. Unable to reach unrealistic expectations I’d placed on myself.

I’d been expecting an apple to turn itself into orange juice.

Feeling energised and excited by this breakthrough, I believed that I’d immediately stop comparing myself to other people. I wanted to share with the world that I was fixed.

At some point I realised that I was still comparing myself to others and I felt like a failure. So I stopped telling my “apple tree” story.

Because I didn’t deserve to share this inspiring message.

I wasn’t perfect enough.

After our country went into lockdown in March 2020. I used the time at home to be creative and pulled out art supplies for my kids. I’d never used oil pastels but saw beautiful images on social media. And decided to try it, one of my first pictures was the silhouette of a tree depicting how it changes through the four seasons.

During May 2020 I joined a journalling challenge and one of the daily prompts was “How do I see myself?”

The response I wrote down was “an apple tree”.

But when I thought of my apple tree during that journalling challenge, I saw a tree that’s weathered many storms, made all the more beautiful by my scars.

I’ve learnt that growth is more complicated than a straight line. When you learn the lessons it’s like climbing hills. Each one taking you further from the starting point. And when you start climbing the next hill, you’re stronger than you were when you started the journey.

It’s not a journey that will ever be complete. It’s rather a lifetime commitment. A promise to treat myself with kindness and grace whenever I stumble. Being vulnerable and asking for help. Accepting a helping hand when it is offered.

Resting in the knowledge that even though seasons change, at my core I am strong and majestic.

When the winds of change come, I don’t break. My vulnerability allows me to bend and move ahead with renewed purpose.

Uncategorized

Unbecoming

Emjay's Musings

I take me with me
Wherever I go
So I could say that
I’m surrounded by the
same sights and sounds from home

But actually the eyes I look through and the ears I use haven’t changed

So the sounds aren’t familiar because all places are the same

The sights aren’t similar because all trees and birds are the same

No, I see, hear and feel the same
So the experiences feel the same.

And with the questions I feel like I already know the answers
Because I’ve been asking these same questions for years.

I think the difference for me now, is the fact that I have the courage to start answering them.

To start believing in my own beauty, light and happiness.
Without running away from the scars, darkness and pain.

And that’s probably the biggest question of all.

Can I sit with myself and embrace both sides of me?

There’s a soft whisper getting louder every day.
Yes, you can.
Because that’s what you are already doing.

You accept yourself
when you show up to the blank page and fill it with ink.
when you speak your truth even when your voice is shaking.
when you trust you know the way even if doubt is urging you to make a u-turn.

You aren’t discovering yourself,
you are rediscovering.
You aren’t becoming
a new you,
you are unbecoming
the old you.

Letting go
of all the things that kept you small.

In rediscovering and unbecoming I’m finally embracing all parts of me.

Uncategorized

I belong to me

Emjay's Musings

Tick-tock.
The clock is ticking the seconds, minutes and hours away.
Each leading to a new dawn.
A new day.
Filled with possibilities.
But I am too busy.

Busy looking back, as if replaying the past will change it.
Busy looking forward, as if imagining the future will guarantee it.
And in being busy, I am missing out.

Missing out on life.
On the ordinary moments.
These fleeting seconds, minutes and hours that make up my beautiful extraordinary life.

So busy trying to be like everyone else.
When being myself is the most courageous act ever.

Looking outside and seeking answers.
When looking inside would bring wisdom.

So I am shifting my gaze to my own soul.
Examining the inner walls of my Lion’s Heart.
Spending time with myself.
Embracing all that is me.

Breathing in.
Breathing out.
Realizing that every breath is a gift.

That acceptance is courageous.
And that my true longing is to accept myself.
That is where I want to belong.

Where
I feel at home in my own skin.

Where
I embrace the silence and not fill it with voices.

Where
I enjoy my own company.

Where
I belong to me.

Uncategorized

But…what if you fly?

Emjay's Musings

It’s been more than 365 days since I posted on my blog.

I’ve started typing and saving drafts so many times. Yet, the fear of failure has meant those posts all got deleted. Nothing seemed good enough. Or I never had enough time to write.

So now I’m in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, finding myself with time. And still no words have made its way onto my blog.

So I’ve decided to join a 21 Day Journaling Challenge on Instagram via @creating_through_journaling.

Hoping that it will spark some inspiration.

The challenge started yesterday and I was filled with doubt, worried about failing before I’d even really started.

Then this quote came to mind…
“What if I fall?”
“Oh, but my darling, what if you FLY?”

So I showed up and created something – and right now that’s more than enough.

Uncategorized

The Journey Begins…Again

Emjay's Musings

Every so often I’d meet up with fellow writers or bloggers and mention how much I missed writing. Inevitability someone would try to give me advice on how to reset my password.

Then I have to explain that I’d linked a different email account to the blog and couldn’t access that either. After these conversations I’d try accessing the email/blog accounts with no success.

Or I’d start thinking that maybe I should just start over again. But there’d always be this part of me not ready to say goodbye to the blog I’d already started.

Earlier this week – after another conversation about starting a new blog – I unsuccessfully tried to log back in.

So I decided to start another blog using the same name….it worked. 🙂 I spent a few hours reposting my old posts, with links to the original blog.

Reading my posts while reposting, I’m reminded that these thoughts and feelings of today won’t last forever. I’ve felt this way before and survived all the days…the good, the bad and the ordinary!

So here we go with version 2.0 of Truly, Madly, Deeply Me.