Category: Musings

Musings

My favourite things

Emjay's Musings

What does it mean to be a kid at heart?

It’s day 1 of my new writing habit, where I choose a prompt and then write about it. This morning’s one “my favourite things” and already my brain went – oh no, I wish it was a different prompt.

Yesterday I updated my WordPress app and one new thing I’ve noticed is a daily prompt feature – today’s one being “what does it mean to be a kid at heart?”

Which feels better to write about then the actual prompt I have to.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve been awake for more than an hour and it’s not even 5:30am yet. During this time I finished a short story I started reading last night. Finished today’s devotional for my current reading plan on the Bible App – Anxiety at work. Scrolled social media. Wrote down my verse for the day. Made payments on my banking app. And made some coffee.

No wonder I’m exhausted.

And uninspired.

I spend my days adulting when all I’m yearning for is to create something. Finish a puzzle I started months ago. Build the final two furniture pieces from miniature study (birthday gift I received in August).

But alas, I have bills to pay and adulting things to do. Deadlines to achieve. Meetings to attend. And emails to send. So many emails to send.

I guess my favourite things are overthinking and worrying about things, rather than taking action. Still getting it all done but experiencing a lot of anxiety and fear along the way.

And being a kid at heart means doing things that bring me joy. Which there are many moments of in my life. Sometimes I get caught up in the shoulds. All the things I believe are essential and forget to savour the moments that are also important.

Listening to music with my kids. Dancing around the living room. Having dessert first. Taking a break and resting.

One of my favourite things is music.

Listening to old familiars and discovering new artists or versions of songs.

So for today I’ll also add a link to a song that played yesterday and I wanted to listen to this morning.

Today is new day. May we remember that all these ordinary days and moments add up to an extraordinary life.

Musings

Writing Habits

Emjay's Musings

Tomorrow is 1 November.

The start of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). An annual writing challenge, inviting writers to commit to writing a 50,000 word novel.

I’ve participated before and am planning to do it again this year.

And yet, the little voice inside is already reminding me of all the challenges I’ve started and not finished. All the other important things on my to-do list. Urging me to quit while I’m ahead.

I get that it’s a form of self-protection but I’m ready to move forward. To take intentional steps in the direction of my dreams. To declare boldly, I’m a writer.

This afternoon I had a catch up with one of my writing buddies. I’d upfronted this morning that my brain was filled with worry and stress about work. And rather than cancel (which would have been my knee jerk response), we actually ended up connecting earlier than scheduled.

We’d planned to have this chat at the end of October and agree our approach for November. I really needed the safe space to process and talk through things. To speak to someone who can be a sounding board when my inner committee is loud and drowning out my hype squad.

A few days ago I started reading a new novel and the main character is an author. My brain started thinking maybe I could use the one technique she used to write a story. And I started thinking that maybe I should commit to the 50,000 word goal. When I’ve barely written anything this entire year.

During the chat this afternoon my friend reminded me that I was going to use November to get more consistent with my writing habit for my blog. I’d completely forgot that this was my initial plan.

She suggested that I create a calender with a different prompt for each day, and knowing that I’m an overthinker. She also suggested I set a timer for 20 minutes to complete the activity. I’d then free write whatever comes to mind for that specific day/prompt during the next 30 days. This idea sounded so good and I immediately felt like it could work for me.

I’d logged off for the work day already and commented that it might be best if I write it down in a notebook. Rather than get distracted by any notifications on my laptop.

After our call I write down numbers 1-30 and it was much more difficult than I thought it would be. By number 16 I was ready to stop, but eventually got all of them done. And then I reflected on how writing/drawing challenges with prompts usually start out well. But there’s always one that I overthink or worry about – inevitably procrastinating which then leads to skipped days and a rush at the end to catch up.

So I tweaked it slightly, writing all the prompts down on pieces of paper. Throwing them into an empty jar. The revised idea being that I’ll pick a slip of paper each day and write about whatever is on the prompt. Right now I don’t know if I’ll post every day. Let’s see how it goes.

Here’s to a new month and creating new writing habits.

Musings

Moments of Impact

Emjay's Musings

After watching The Vow – probably a year or two after it was released – I spoke to my cousin about moments of impact, something one of the main characters mentions in the movie.

I told her that although I agreed with the idea – that there are conversations and events in our lives that completely transform us. Moments that change the trajectory of our journeys. What fascinated me more was how someone could experience that same conversation or event completely different from the next person. Or how I could replay those same moments and build a narrative around it. And yet the other person doesn’t recall a second of that interaction.

My theory is that, these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end up defining who we are. The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experienced, with all the people we’ve ever known. It is these moments that become our history, like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our mind, over and over again.

The Vow (2012 movie)

During a conversation recently, I experienced some heated emotions. My mood was low and I was definitely not the best version of myself. To be honest, I was feeling very sorry for myself. And after a day or two, actually realized that I’d wanted validation and a solution. What I ended up getting was a mirror reflecting a previous moment of impact. Although there is a 10 year difference between the two conversations. Although the people involved and context changed, my internal dialogue was very similar. I could look back further in my history and recall moments from my childhood and teens with similar dynamics. Because in all these instances, I was reacting from a place of scarcity and fear. During the conversations in my 20’s and 30’s, the intensity of my emotion seemed out of place and both individuals invalidated my feelings. I heard statements like “the world doesn’t revolve around you” and “you like to wallow in negative feelings”.

Well, actually I did feel like the world revolved around my 7 year old self and I didn’t have the tools to deal with those big feelings.

What seemed like an overreaction to them was a delayed reaction. Finally being able to voice that my needs weren’t being met. And that I was afraid of the unknown. But struggling to articulate myself. Because I’m still recovering from the moments of impact. Trying to navigate through the emotional and mental maze of my healing journey.

I’m proud of myself for my growth. That I can now recognize that the response from the individuals were based on their experiences and perspectives. That I don’t have to internalise everything they say, adding it to the negative committee in my head. Playing it on repeat. Seeing it as further evidence that I’ll never be good enough.

So here’s what I’ve learnt and would like to add to the theory…

 So that is my theory, that these moments of impact define who we are. A moment of impact has potential for change, has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together making them closer than before, while sending others off into great ventures, ending where you never thought you’d find them. You see that’s the best thing of moments like these, you can’t, no matter how hard you try, control how they are going to effect you. You just got to let these colliding particles land where they may and wait until the next collision.”

The vow (2012 movie)

…We might not control the moments of impact, but we do have control over how we respond to those moments.

This lesson did not happen quickly and its something I relearn over and over again. Meeting myself with grace in those times when I react rather than respond. Reminding myself that I need to build this skill like any habit or muscle. Day by day. Moment by moment.

To create a pause between the event and my response, I need to increase my self-awareness and ensure I show up as the best version of myself.

Here are a few of the activities that help me do this:

  • Create a consistent morning routine. I enjoy Kat Lee’s 3-minute morning, it helps me to build habits focused on God, Plan and Move time.
  • Journal. One of my favourite journalling methods is Julia Cameron’s morning pages. Essentially writing 3 pages every morning as a practice for recovering your creativity.
  • Gratitude. I’ve got a page in my bullet journal where I can write one thing I’m grateful for each day. And also created a gratitude jar for myself a few years ago.
  • Do something you love. For me this is reading. Last year I set a goal to read more non-fiction books and started tracking my books. Ended up reading more than 100 books (incl more than 20 non-fiction).

Whatever moments you experience today. Remember…you have the ability to choose how you respond.