Emjay's Musings

We are in the middle of packing up the home we’ve lived in for the last 7 years. I have realized that there are some definite consequences to being a sentimental hoarder. Negatively it means having to sort through tons of unnecessary stuff. Positively it means finding a stack of letters and cards from my family and friends. Like a birthday card for my 4th birthday from my mother, father and brother. Letters and cards from high school and university friends. Even letters sent via snail mail from one of my cousins.

I sat in the living room earlier surrounded by boxes and was looking around the flat, when suddenly I got very emotional. This was the place we moved into as a young couple and we didn’t own much of anything at first. Reminiscing with my husband about those first few years made me realize how truly blessed we have been.

This year has been filled with so many blessings – I finally got my driver’s license, bought my first car, found out we are expecting baby #2 and bought our first home. Mostly there’s excitement and happiness, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of change.

I guess that some part of me would like to cling to my comfort zone and not deal with the unknown. A bigger part of me is ready to embrace the new, no matter how scary it might seem.

Moving feels like the end of one chapter, the part of my life before I became a “grown-up”. Looking forward to starting a new chapter.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2015/09/30/the-end-of-an-era/

This post has been in my drafts since 4 August, just re-read it and decided to publish unedited. I have not posted anything since May and yet I have a number of posts in my drafts. Time for a no procrastination challenge again?!

I reached a point today where I just could not handle staring at my computer for another second. So I took myself on a lunch date.

It should be noted that, I do not enjoy sitting alone in public; because I am worried people are going to look at me and judge me. So the plan was to get a takeaway and go back to my desk. When I walked into Kauai, there were quite a few people sitting and enjoying their lunch solo.

So I ended up having my first (as far as I can remember) solo lunch date. I spent the time gazing out the window looking at the tree leaves swaying in the wind. There was music playing softly, but because I was alone and trying to stay off my cellphone, I ended up listening to a few songs. I even attempted to practice mindful eating.

I have learnt to take my own advice more seriously, because I am always telling people; “The best time to take a break, is when you don’t have time to take a break.”

When I got back to my desk I felt less stressed and even managed to have a productive afternoon.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2015/08/04/uncomfort-zone/

You will find a number of pictures of trees on my cellphone, because I have a habit of looking up at trees and taking photos. I mentioned my fascination with trees to someone recently and the person asked me why I have this unusual hobby.

This got me thinking about trees and particularly the reasons I like to take photos when I am walking and/or sitting under trees. For me trees are majestic and a testament that through perseverance you can reach great heights. Every tree is unique in its own way and has it’s own purpose – whether to provide shelter, comfort or food.

With the help of Google and an application called Instaquote, I added quotes about trees and nature to some of my favorite photos.

While searching for quotes I also found a poem titled Trees by Joyce Kilmer, it was published in August 1913.

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

I wrote this letter earlier this week and read it to my daughter last night. We both got a bit emotional and I got a very tight hug from her when I finished reading it.

Dear Little Miss Sunshine,

You will probably not remember this day, but it’s one of my favorite days. We spent hours doing homework this afternoon, well, you did the work and I was there to motivate and cajole you.

It’s the 2nd term of your Grade 1 year and we are still getting to grips with this homework thing. There is so much to do and learn each day and we had fallen behind with Term 1 Mathematics. So on Friday afternoon I took post-it notes and marked the pages you still needed to do in your Maths blue book.

Usually, homework is a tug of war in terms of who can get frustrated the quickest. I will admit that at times I lose my temper and get annoyed at having to explain the same thing over and over. You get upset because you don’t understand some of these new concepts. Frustration usually means we give up, which explains the falling behind with Term 1 Mathematics.

Not today though, no today you tackled each page determined to get to the goal of pulling off every last post-it when you finish a page. Your determination, perseverance and self confidence that you would be able to get it all done had me in awe.

I remember you being maybe 3 or 4 years old, standing in the kitchen trying to get something out of the fridge. It was on the top shelf, just out of your reach. That didn’t stop you, not in the least. You stood on your tippy toes and kept trying and trying until you got it out. Then you closed the fridge door and said to the room in general, “I’m awesome!”

I am in awe of your spirit and the way you approach situations, your grandparents look at you often and comment on how much like me you are when I was your age.

What changed throughout the years? How did I turn into this person filled with doubts about everything? When did I lose my sense of wonder?

My wish for you dearest daughter is that you:
– keep your self confidence
– always wear your beautiful smile
– believe in yourself and your awesomeness
– remember that I love you just the way you are
– never lose your sense of wonder

Thank you for inspiring me to do more, be more and live more passionately.

Love you five,
Mommy
×××

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2015/05/01/a-letter-to-my-daughter-2/

I like the sentiment that the best days of my life have not been lived yet. Especially on those tough days that make me want to throw in the towel and just say, “That’s it, I give up!” Like the morning I cried over spilt juice (a morning I’d not like to repeat ever), let’s just say it was not my finest hour. Or those evenings where I’m fighting about homework and what page needs to be done. Or those days where I didn’t do any cleaning in my home and I end up calling myself lazy and worthless.

When I’ve mopped up the juice that splashed, all over my bedding and my little girl already dressed for school. When I kiss her cheek goodnight after the homework shouting match, and she tells me “Good night, mommy. I love you.” When I hug him and say “Thank you for doing the cleaning and putting in that load of washing.” These moments redeem the tough days, and make me look toward the future and the best days that still wait for me.

I’m excited about these elusive best days waiting somewhere in the great unknown. How truly blessed am I when I have already experienced many amazing days?

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2015/04/29/the-best-days-of-my-life-are-still-to-come/

I read a quote tonight,

“We make our own storms and then cry because it rains.”

I know that the only way to make it through this storm of mine, is to face my fears. The biggest fear I have is that no one would be able to love me if they saw the real me. So here’s the truth, I believe that I’m broken beyond repair. Deep down inside me where no one can see, there you will find me shattered into a million pieces. So I have erected massive walls to keep others away from the real me. Hoping that I can fool them with my sarcasm and wit.

The walls I have built started cracking today and unleashed a tidal wave of tears this evening. Maybe the tears I cried earlier tonight have washed away the negative thoughts, but I’m happy in this moment. I am happy with who I am and what I have.

I’m not sure if I will ever be able to fix myself and right now I don’t think I need to. This person I am, is here because I fought through every difficult situation to get where I am today. Being the best possible version of myself is what I need to focus on. For the longest time I have been existing and surviving each day, I’m so ready to start livingand thriving!

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” Oscar Wilde

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2015/04/28/the-quiet-after-the-storm/

It’s the last day of my leave and I just realized that I have spent the last two weeks exhaling. Just breathing in and out, enjoying the ebb and flow of my life. Right now, I am listening to good music and enjoying the stunning view from my flat as I watch the sun set.

During the last two weeks I…

…celebrated my wedding anniversary
We were both 17 years old when we met almost 13 years ago and we are truly blessed that we grew up together instead of growing apart. Earlier this month we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary.

…spent time with my family
My paternal grandparents are both still alive and I was lucky enough to spend a Saturday morning chatting to them and eating my grandma’s “melkpap”. She turned 83 years old in early March and is one of the most remarkable women I know.

…got my first tattoo
I have said for more than 10 years that I was going to get a tattoo and I finally did it. It is a phoenix within an infinity sign, the meaning for me…The phoenix always rises from the ashes. My husband also got an infinity sign tattoo, but his depicts the yin yang sign.

Sometimes you laugh and sometimes you cry
Life never tells us the when’s or why’s
But if you’ve got friends (and family) to wish you well
You’ll find a point where you exhale

Exhale (Shoop Shoop) by Whitney Houston was one of the songs I was listening to this afternoon and it was one of those perfect moments. The sun filtering through the window, my husband sitting next to me on the couch and our daughter busy playing with her toys.

Life isn’t measured by the amount of breaths you take, it’s measured by the moments that take your breath away.

These last two weeks have been filled with breathtaking moments, but also with moments that allowed me to simply be.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2015/03/29/waiting-to-exhale/

No matter how many times I watch the movie The Upside of Anger I never get sick of it. The movie was released in March 2005 and even though I’ve seen it a few times in the last 10 years I always learn a few valuable lessons when I watch it. I rewatched it tonight and the following two quotes really stood out for me.

“People don’t know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it’s because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible… unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes… they just don’t have all the facts.”

“Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That’s what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It’s real, though – the fury, even when it isn’t. It can change you… turn you… mold you and shape you into something you’re not. The only upside to anger, then… is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they’re not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know? I’m only a child.”

Both are said by the same character, Lavender “Popeye” Wolfmeyer who is 15 years old at the beginning of the movie. Her family continually makes comments about her being a child and her opinion therefore does not get valued, but she narrates the movie and these quotes show that she is wise beyond her years.

For me the upside of this journey I am on is definitely the person I am becoming.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2015/03/23/the-upside-of-anger/

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

—-from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

This is one of my favorite quotes and I always feel inspired to let my own light shine after reading it. It has taken me a long time to figure out what my own light is, that something that’s uniquely me.

I have a feeling that this blog and sharing my thoughts with the world has played a part in crystallizing my purpose.

Today I urge you to face your fears, because only then will you be liberated from those things that confine you.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2015/03/16/our-deepest-fear/

I live in sunny Cape Town, South Africa (it rained earlier this week, so I’m referring to this day’s weather only) and at this present moment I am in love with my life. Right in this moment, everything is all good.

I am on my way to work via a train, and this morning I waited only 20 minutes for a train. For Metrorail this is a minor delay so I will refrain from calling this public service Metrofail, then again, I think most commuters will agree that’s a very apt description for this public disservice. Trains are always delayed and updates aren’t regular or correct.

I’m digressing and leaning towards writing a letter of complaint, rather than making my point about perspective.

Then again, unless you have been a frequent user of this mode of public transport in South Africa you won’t get my point. So let me digress and give some context.

On a regular day you will experience anything from 10-20 minute delays, on a not so good day you might hear announcements of 30-40 minute delays and on a bad day 50-60 minute delays. Then you have a very bad, terrible, horrible day where there’s a combination of the above time delay announcements; but you end up getting to work 2 hours late and the journey usually lasts 32 minutes.

On Tuesday afternoon I got onto a train after work and there weren’t delays. During the journey I started chatting to two fellow commuters about train experiences. Sharing stories about getting on the wrong train or train doors not opening at your station, which leads to having to get off at the wrong station. We also mentioned how there had been an increase in delays recently. Throughout the conversation I observed the individual sitting opposite me paying attention to our conversation, smiling when one of us shared something funny.

Suddenly the person made a comment about how if people were given more information they would understand better. At this point I fully looked at the person and realized that he is actually an employee for the very train service we were talking about and travelling on.

He shared some information on what it actually means when there’s a defective signal, talking about the amount of time it takes the technician to get to the site and then the process they need to follow to ensure trains can safely travel past that point.

He explained to us what the impact of cable theft really is, during his explanation the image I got was how traffic gets regulated when there’s roadworks. Imagine how annoyed you get waiting for the message to be relayed from one point to the next and all the cars that get backed up waiting for someone to give the all clear on safety for cars to move along. Now imagine a 10 carriage train, add a succession of those long trains needing to be safely sent across that defective point in the system.

He also shared some information about the impact of a passenger incident (usually someone falling infront of or under the train). I have a graphic imagination so let’s leave that one for now. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.

Let me get to the point and explain what I mean by, it’s all about perspective. I might still be annoyed when I sit waiting for a delayed train to arrive, but at least now I have a better understanding of the possible reasons for that delay.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of aspects that this service provider needs to improve on. I’m not absolving them of that fact, I am however saying to myself. “Have patience and remember that there are individuals dealing with things every day that I certainly would not have the energy or ability to deal with. I thank them for getting up each day and doing their jobs.” Hopefully that helps me through those very bad, terrible, horrible days where there are 2 hour delays.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/its-all-about-perspective/