Emjay's Musings

I’m reflecting on this first month of 2015 and I feel like I might not have the strength to survive 11 more months.

During the last few weeks I have been feeling more and more emotionally exhausted. This seemed strange to me since I took almost three weeks leave over the festive season. Coming back from leave a person should be energized and ready to take on the new year. Things are busy at work (I got a promotion in October last year, so I am still settling into my new role) and my daughter started Grade 1 this year.

If anyone I know was experiencing one of those events, I would give advice along the lines of take it easy. I would tell the person to set up a routine and find time in each day to do something they love. But I am very tough on myself and feel like I should just cope with everything; that everything in my life should run smoothly and when it doesn’t it means I am failing at life.

In this last week alone I experienced two days where I felt like throwing in the towel. The reasons are things I would usually take in my stride. Part of being a grown-up and having responsibility. However, on Thursday morning I just did not have the resilience to deal with early morning tears and complaints from my 6 year old. Friday morning everything that could possibly go wrong at work did (last-minute cancellations, forgetting notes for a meeting at my desk, same day deadlines, etc). My daughter is a blessing and one of the most even-tempered children ever, when she usually has a tantrum I remain calm. Last minute happenings and having to go back to my desk to fetch notes are not major obstacles at work. I have experienced more stressful days and sailed through it with a smile.

Over the next few months I am going to work on figuring out why I am feeling the way I am. One thing I have figured out so far is that I need to spend time doing things I enjoy, because those have been the times I were truly happy this week. When I focus on what brings me joy, everything else seems to fall in place.

Here’s the last update for the 100 Happy Days Challenge.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2014/12/30/days-81-100/

This year is almost over and I have to say this has been one of the best years of my life, but then again I say that about every year. Each year improves on the previous year, so I am looking forward to next year.

In one of my first posts I mentioned my bucket list, and how it is now my list of goals. I was doing some reorganizing when I came across the book with the goals and when I reviewed them they are still relevant.

In one of my first posts for 2015, I will share my new and revised goals!

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2014/12/30/part-4-goals-for-the-next-decade/

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 320 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2014/12/30/2014-in-review/

I have been struggling to write this post, even more than I did with the one regarding my fears. During a conversation with a close friend I discussed the fact that I do not feel my achievements are worthy to be mentioned; because compared to other people’s achievements, mine do not seem good enough.

The reality is also that many of my goals have been reached in spite of having a negative committee in my head telling me I do not deserve to be happy. Therefore, my achievements are mostly intangible, things nobody can see, but they feel as big as having climbed Mount Everest to me.

I’m proud of myself for completing my studies, being able to work in my chosen field of studyand being passionate about my career (most days, today being Monday, not so much passion). I love being in the business of helping people develop their full potential and it is fulfilling knowing I can do this every day of my life.

I am proud that in spite of my weight issues, I walked down the aisle towards my wonderful husband and felt like a beautiful bride. Although I have not reached my goal weight yet – and I often wonder if I ever will – I am much more content when I look in the mirror these days.

I am blessed to have a wonderful daughter, that often tells me I’m the best mom in the world.

I am amazed that I have so many amazing people sharing my life with me, both friends and family.

Writing and sharing my words on this blog is another achievement that is truly rewarding. Every time I click the publish button, I get this silly smile on my face. I love that I can tell people, I have a blog.

My biggest achievement is the fact that I am starting to see myself as perfectly imperfect, I am exactly who I am supposed to be. The only way I can make a difference in this world is by being the best me possible.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2014/12/08/part-3-goals-i-achieved-before-my-30th-birthday/

Ideally I should have enough “happy” pictures or images to cover four updates between days 31-70. I do not even have enough pictures to warrant two updates. So instead of waiting until later this week, let me rather face up to the fact that I have failed my “no procrastination challenge”. It is very gratifying to know I am now up to date with this challenge.

There are fewer pictures after day 30 and I wonder about the reasons for this. Was I less happy? Was I just lazy? The short answer is: I did not always have a camera handy. The more complicated reason is the fact that I did not always know how to capture those “happy” feelings.

I am definitely approaching the last 30 days of the challenge more realistically.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/100happydayschallenge-days-31-70/

Confession time, this challenge is not going well. It is day 71 and I am only updating pictures from days 21-30.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/100happydayschallenge-days-21-30/

There have been numerous starts to this post. I wrote about not letting my fears define me; a post about how my negative language was going to be changed. Then there was one about how my fears have made me who I am, so therefore I needed to embrace each and everyone one of them. Another one spoke about how I don’t think I have “real” fears, that my fears are not as legitimate as other people’s fears.

So many false starts and yet, weeks after I started on this particular topic there’s nothing to show for it. Well, not just because I haven’t finished it. In my defense, the application where all these posts were saved crashed! One second I was typing and the next I was looking at the home screen. After deleting and re-installing the application and it still being unresponsive, I accessed the website and tried to save the post from there, but still nothing.

These two paragraphs actually highlight what might be my biggest obstacles to goal achievement:

1. I procrastinate
2. When things don’t go as planned, I spend a lot of time focused on fixing what went wrong.

I will re-visit my biggest obstacles in a future post (because I recognize adding it to this post has no relevance and I am, yet again, procrastinating). Progress!!

So let’s try this post again…

These are my biggest fears for my 30’s

• I am going to be drowning in debt and not be able to buy a house before 40
• I am going to be forty and fat (even fatter than I am now)
• I am not going to finish my doctorate in the next 10 years
• I am a bad person and I don’t deserve anything good in life

All the fears listed above can only be influenced by one person: ME!

Losing weight, being debt free and finishing my studies are all things within my control, but I go in with that “all or nothing” mentality. For example, when I lose 2,6kg the first week and then nothing the next two weeks I see this as a sign that I am unable to lose weight and I abandon whatever plan I was following. So I am making a mental note to tackle this in my goals I want to achieve before 40 post.

The fear about being a bad person is based on other people’s opinion about me. There’s this nagging little voice in my head that rehashes all the bad things everyone has ever said about me. I easily forget and dismiss all the compliments and nice words I have ever heard about myself. This one is going to require a topic all on its own, maybe a series of posts on dealing with negativity.

I often say that the following paragraph from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson is one of my favorites.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The reality is that I want to believe with every fibre of my being that I am powerful beyond measure, but my deepest fear is that I will always believe I am inadequate.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/part-2-fears-i-have-about-my-30s/

Running two challenges concurrently (my own personal 100 days of no procrastination and the #100HappyDaysChallenge) does not seem to be working out. Officially it is Day 45 of the #100HappyDaysChallenge for me, but I’m posting pictures from the second week. Clearly my No Procrastination challenge is not working out.

On a more positive note, looking back on this week is really inspiring me to re-commit to the challenge(s). Logically, more regular updates on the #100HappyDaysChallenge will translate into less procrastination. Keeping my fingers crossed the theory becomes reality, since I’m embarking on another challenge during November.

Hope you enjoy the pictures.

Originally posted on: https://marjohdaames.wordpress.com/2014/10/01/100happydayschallenge-2/