I used to think that growth is linear…you learn the lesson and go straight to the finish line. The End.
During 2019 while attending a counselling session, I had what felt like a breakthrough. A straight line to the successful conclusion of my healing journey.
In that moment I felt like I was about to claim the ultimate prize.
Ticked off the last item on a checklist.
Able to file it under “The End”.
Final scene of the movie.
Credits rolling.
And yet, I’m only able to write this in hindsight. Because in that moment and even the ones following, I don’t think I realized I was thinking about the process like that.
During this particular session we were talking about my identity.
The way I see myself.
My counsellor set up an activity where I had to draw something that describes me and explain the reasons for choosing that specific image.
I was so creatively blocked. At first I couldn’t draw anything and then my inner critic was telling me how terrible these drawings looked. I drew a tree and a book.
She asked me to only pick one image, so I chose the tree. But I also needed to explain what type of tree it was. And for me it looked like an apple tree.
We unpacked the reasons I specifically chose an apple tree. To me it’s a symbol of hope and provides shelter and fruit to those around it. I believe my purpose is to share my story with people (which I compared to the fruit) and offer them a safe space to share their own stories (which I compared with the shelter).
She then asked me this question….
“Can an apple tree make orange juice?”
It was like a light bulb went on for me when I answered, “No, it can’t”.
For so long, I’d been comparing myself to the rest of the world. Unable to reach unrealistic expectations I’d placed on myself.
I’d been expecting an apple to turn itself into orange juice.
Feeling energised and excited by this breakthrough, I believed that I’d immediately stop comparing myself to other people. I wanted to share with the world that I was fixed.
At some point I realised that I was still comparing myself to others and I felt like a failure. So I stopped telling my “apple tree” story.
Because I didn’t deserve to share this inspiring message.
I wasn’t perfect enough.
After our country went into lockdown in March 2020. I used the time at home to be creative and pulled out art supplies for my kids. I’d never used oil pastels but saw beautiful images on social media. And decided to try it, one of my first pictures was the silhouette of a tree depicting how it changes through the four seasons.
During May 2020 I joined a journalling challenge and one of the daily prompts was “How do I see myself?”
The response I wrote down was “an apple tree”.
But when I thought of my apple tree during that journalling challenge, I saw a tree that’s weathered many storms, made all the more beautiful by my scars.
I’ve learnt that growth is more complicated than a straight line. When you learn the lessons it’s like climbing hills. Each one taking you further from the starting point. And when you start climbing the next hill, you’re stronger than you were when you started the journey.
It’s not a journey that will ever be complete. It’s rather a lifetime commitment. A promise to treat myself with kindness and grace whenever I stumble. Being vulnerable and asking for help. Accepting a helping hand when it is offered.
Resting in the knowledge that even though seasons change, at my core I am strong and majestic.
When the winds of change come, I don’t break. My vulnerability allows me to bend and move ahead with renewed purpose.
Emjay's Musings 