After watching The Vow – probably a year or two after it was released – I spoke to my cousin about moments of impact, something one of the main characters mentions in the movie.
I told her that although I agreed with the idea – that there are conversations and events in our lives that completely transform us. Moments that change the trajectory of our journeys. What fascinated me more was how someone could experience that same conversation or event completely different from the next person. Or how I could replay those same moments and build a narrative around it. And yet the other person doesn’t recall a second of that interaction.
My theory is that, these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end up defining who we are. The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experienced, with all the people we’ve ever known. It is these moments that become our history, like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our mind, over and over again.
The Vow (2012 movie)
During a conversation recently, I experienced some heated emotions. My mood was low and I was definitely not the best version of myself. To be honest, I was feeling very sorry for myself. And after a day or two, actually realized that I’d wanted validation and a solution. What I ended up getting was a mirror reflecting a previous moment of impact. Although there is a 10 year difference between the two conversations. Although the people involved and context changed, my internal dialogue was very similar. I could look back further in my history and recall moments from my childhood and teens with similar dynamics. Because in all these instances, I was reacting from a place of scarcity and fear. During the conversations in my 20’s and 30’s, the intensity of my emotion seemed out of place and both individuals invalidated my feelings. I heard statements like “the world doesn’t revolve around you” and “you like to wallow in negative feelings”.
Well, actually I did feel like the world revolved around my 7 year old self and I didn’t have the tools to deal with those big feelings.
What seemed like an overreaction to them was a delayed reaction. Finally being able to voice that my needs weren’t being met. And that I was afraid of the unknown. But struggling to articulate myself. Because I’m still recovering from the moments of impact. Trying to navigate through the emotional and mental maze of my healing journey.
I’m proud of myself for my growth. That I can now recognize that the response from the individuals were based on their experiences and perspectives. That I don’t have to internalise everything they say, adding it to the negative committee in my head. Playing it on repeat. Seeing it as further evidence that I’ll never be good enough.
So here’s what I’ve learnt and would like to add to the theory…
So that is my theory, that these moments of impact define who we are. A moment of impact has potential for change, has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together making them closer than before, while sending others off into great ventures, ending where you never thought you’d find them. You see that’s the best thing of moments like these, you can’t, no matter how hard you try, control how they are going to effect you. You just got to let these colliding particles land where they may and wait until the next collision.”
The vow (2012 movie)
…We might not control the moments of impact, but we do have control over how we respond to those moments.
This lesson did not happen quickly and its something I relearn over and over again. Meeting myself with grace in those times when I react rather than respond. Reminding myself that I need to build this skill like any habit or muscle. Day by day. Moment by moment.
To create a pause between the event and my response, I need to increase my self-awareness and ensure I show up as the best version of myself.
Here are a few of the activities that help me do this:
- Create a consistent morning routine. I enjoy Kat Lee’s 3-minute morning, it helps me to build habits focused on God, Plan and Move time.
- Journal. One of my favourite journalling methods is Julia Cameron’s morning pages. Essentially writing 3 pages every morning as a practice for recovering your creativity.
- Gratitude. I’ve got a page in my bullet journal where I can write one thing I’m grateful for each day. And also created a gratitude jar for myself a few years ago.
- Do something you love. For me this is reading. Last year I set a goal to read more non-fiction books and started tracking my books. Ended up reading more than 100 books (incl more than 20 non-fiction).
Whatever moments you experience today. Remember…you have the ability to choose how you respond.
Emjay's Musings 